Well, I cannot lay down because then it feels as though my head is in a vice. That leaves me with two options, or at least, two that I can stand… Write until I fall asleep sitting up, or sit up and wait until I fall asleep: Both may fail anyway, so I may as well get something out of this pain that is keeping me from falling to a slumber the normal way.
Since yesterday, I have been toiling over a text message from AJ that is, perhaps, the most hurtful thing he could ever conjure to say to his ex-wife. The paraphrase is this: “Haha, you’re mom is dead… I hope you burn in hell like she is.”
If I wrote the actual words, he would probably try to sew me for copy write fraud or something – because he is just one tail wag shy of being a dog.
Gone are the days of filtering because he knew his lawyer would be watching, and mine would be taking notes. Gone are the days of caring whatsoever if and when he says something negative to me, there may be actual legal ramifications. He has shed all human decency in every possible sense; I have this to look forward to for who knows how many years ahead of my daughter(s) and me.
The context of such blatantly hateful slander was because he is angry with me. For what, you ask? Well, because during his “summer visitation”, he has to continue to supply my infant with milk that I pump. Because it interferes with his plans to go to Wichita Falls where he’d no doubt pawn my child off to his mother so he could go out drinking with his only slightly more irresponsible brother; what a piece of work, right?
The point is, I see so clearly how none of this actually has to do with my beautiful baby girl, not really – at least, not on his end. It all has to do with Alexander James Sterling’s agenda, his plans, and his ideas about what it means now to be a divorced single father. The frustration from this, from my point of view, is just plain sickening.
There are no parallels whatsoever with George and AJ – beings they are both “ex-husbands”, yes, but in regards to common decency and respect? George has NEVER treated me with anything OTHER than respect, even when we were going through the divorce! AJ, however, well let me just sum up how he treats me in one four letter word: Shit. He treats me like shit. I do not typically cuss like this, but there is no other way to describe how low, and how horribly, he thinks of the mother of his child.
Why? Why is the question I keep replaying in my mind.
I happen to believe, and this is confirmed more every time I get a text that resembles what I just illustrated, that it is because he is not capable of seeing this world from any angle other than his. He is not capable of understanding that it will be [BETTER] for EVERYONE involved if we get along. And hell yes for the sake of Jemma! For me, personally, I am done caring what he thinks of me, or how he feels, but I am the mother of that beautiful baby, and she will spend most of her time with me – how I talk about, feel, and think about her father will have a direct impact on OUR relationship as mother and daughter. AJ, on the other hand, just does not seem to get this – not AT ALL.
The sad thing is, neither does his family. They do not get it either, because promptly after AJ sent me that message, I forwarded it to both of his parents. Did I receive a response? Yep, you guessed it… No, I did not. Not a single word. . .
Because, to the Sterling family, and I mean ALL of them, I am the enemy. I am the witch (replace “w” with a “b” in this instance) that tarnished their perfect little family. I was the already divorced single mother whom swooped in and stole away their precious firstborn son. I forced him into having a baby with me, and thus, he was forced to marry me – “trapped”, they say – they say I trapped him, and then I pulled a 180 and became some other woman overnight.
By them, I have been called “psychotic, lazy, selfish, abusive, and a bad mother.” All of these direct quotes, mind you. Straight out of the mouth (or written from the hand of) a Pastor, his wife, and their other children, and of course notwithstanding their blameless, “mild-mannered” son, AJ.
This is how I am portrayed. And I am certain members of their church congregation know ALL about “me” – me from how THEY depict the role I have played, and will continue to play, in this twisted, screwed-up game of, “Who ruined the Sterling family.”
The reason I am spilling all of this tonight is I feel it is about time the truth be completely obvious.
What is crappy about the “truth” in this regard, however, is that they seem to have some kind of strategic mapping phenomenon around their family – as if people just take what they say, and what they say magically goes. Therefore, any foe (whether professed or backed into a corner) is wrong, lying, and just downright “un-Christian.”
I am the Judas to their Jesus, so to speak. . . Imagine that!
I could quote George talking about who I am [to him] as the mother of our child. I could quote his mother (my mom), and who I am to her as the mother of her Grandchild. These two examples would be in stark contrast to what AJ and his mother would say about me. Why?
Another why with only so much as my opinion to answer for it. . . And yet, AJ can say to me that he waits for the day I burn in hell with my mother, and they STILL find a way to blame HIS DECISION to say that ON ME!
I am at a loss.
Except, not really.
Because while he is alone, no doubt drinking and doing any number of “other” things (namely, “other women”) I am in my clean, welcoming, peaceful home loving on an infant he only gets to see every other weekend. While his mother sits friendless in that borrowed “home” in WF’s, cursing the fact that she doesn’t get any information about her grandchild from me, my daughter is being held by her Teta whom is here every single day, loving on a grandchild that isn’t technically hers but she adores her as if that never even mattered (and never will.)
So, I guess it is a matter of perspective at this point, and learning to not care AT ALL what AJ conjures up just to try and hurt me. I guess the point is, not to worry what Natalie and James and Andrew and Olivia think of their son and brother’s “first wife”, because they are the ones missing out on the best part of him, anyway, and guess who isn’t?
The forsaken Sterling. Your son’s first wife. One of many, I am certain. (And I am sure that will inevitably prompt the argument that AJ was my second husband, well, that is true! But he would have been my LAST husband if he would have told the truth about who he was, and what he wanted, and not held his breathe in vain as he vowed to love me forever in YOUR Church…)
While they hate me, while they curse me, and while their hearts harden to reality (anything outside their perfect, fraudulent Sterling bubble), I am loving a baby whom is held tightly, safely in her mother’s arms.
While AJ dreams of ramming me with his car, I am steadily climbing out of the hole he helped lower me into, and I am moving forward with my life.
The funny thing is, even though these words may make me appear to be vindictive or malicious, or that I am unforgiving in nature, the opposite is true – and THAT is WHY I write it down. Because to express it, to give it away, means I am not holding onto it anymore, at least not 100%. The truth shall set you free, or so I believe – all these words are just truth. The mediator saw it, and that is why I was awarded everything I deserved in the settlement he had to agree to. All of our friends saw it, and that is why they remain MY friends and not his. Even in their silence towards me, his parents saw it, and that is why they have completely turned their backs – to show any care towards me whatsoever at this point would be a blatant stab in their wayward son’s back – so why risk tainting the picture, even at the cost of what is right? They would rather lie and pretend than support the one whom they helped destroy… Oh, but when you’re a Sterling, that is how you live, so no surprise there.
After saying all of this, and please do not think it an afterthought, because I was going to get here eventually, I knew it all along: What I wish, going forward, would be for AJ and I to be pleasant with one another and not have to “fake it until we make it” (one of his mother’s favorite quotes!) I wish AJ would truly find the Lord, because anyone whom has a relationship with Him knows the hatred he feels for me does NOT come from anything holy. (I do not presume to know AJ’s heart inside and out, and so do not “judge” him based off of what I cannot know from God’s perspective, but rather, I just portray feelings based off actual evidence to support my theories.)
I wish my daughter could grow up and not constantly have to battle with what she hears while she is with daddy and “Nana and Papa”. I wish my daughter could know an amicable relationship between her parents, instead of a brash, faux-friendship that she will see right through as soon as she paints the picture in her own mind of what happened here in 2012.
I wish things could be as they are with George and I.
George is a very decent man. He is wise beyond his years, he is funny, and he is honest (with most everything, most of the time.) We got divorced because we endured some challenging circumstances that we could not overcome, but all this time later, I appreciate the fact that we can both be adults, show each other respect, and most importantly, still love each other – we share a child, the love will always be there in some degree… I will always be grateful to George for our friendship, and for the way he has always supported me, encouraged me, and allowed me to be the same for him. That is what honoring each other means – and we have kept that commitment even after we parted ways.
I thank God for that every single day; because of a bright-eyed, amazing child we named Layla. Because of the love I have for my daughter, I can overlook the end of my marriage with George and see only that our love created a life. SHE deserves NOTHING less than for her father and me to make our relationship work at a level that benefits her, and makes her feel secure being shuffled between three (Teta’s included) households where she is NEVER short on love or care.
At this point, I realize it would take a miracle for AJ to give me what George has given me. It would take the same miracle I asked for right when AJ left me – the one that would change his heart and bring him back to our family.
As long as AJ has this hatred in his heart for me, there is no hope for our daughter to EVER know ANYTHING OTHER THAN misery between her father and me.
Still, I vow, from my end, to do my best. Where SHE is concerned, I love her too much to allow my feelings towards her father infiltrate THEIR relationship. The way I see it, if he continues on this path of carelessness and recklessness (and hatred of all that her mother is) than she will learn who he is without me having to or ever having said a single negative word.
Does he not see that? Do his parents not GET that? They never have gotten it with their other son’s child’s mother, and so I do not foresee them ever getting it with me. I will always be the enemy.
What a damn shame. Really.
Well, this writing idea really helped; I am about to fall asleep.
This rant cannot conclude with anything other than a prayer tonight. . .
I pray that my hurt, anger, and pity towards the aforementioned family declines, and eventually leaves me completely. I pray that I can truly forgive, though at this point I admit I do not know what that would look like. I pray that I can read the words AJ writes me – such vile, hateful, and hurtful words, and pray for him instead of retaliate against him, because I am smart enough and intuitive enough to know where that darkness in him is coming from: He is hurting, and he isn’t mature enough to handle it properly, so he lashes out and tries to bury me in strife. I pray I learn how to deal with him in such a way that even if he hates me, I do not encourage his behavior or enable him to push me to get back at him.
I pray most of all that I just continue on my own path to recovery, and that along this journey, I continue to be a good mother, and I continue to pursue what is going to enrich and bless the lives of my daughters and myself.
Because, now, it is just us… Just me and two little girls. All I can do is hope I don’t screw this up, because they are worth as much love and tenderness as I can muster – and I must give this despite what AJ does to try and make me forsake the one thing I was meant to do in this world: Perfectly love my children. He cannot take that away from me, I simply will not let that happen. Hopefully, someday sooner rather than later, he learns this and finally realizes he’s only hurting himself by hating the mother of our child.