Purple façade, white picket fence; a dream once lived but long since melted into memories of morning dew and pouring rain through gutters – oh how the years they dance, changing me from a young woman on a porch to a motherless daughter with passion in her veins. I am not the same me I was back then, and though I reflect often, I am thankful for time’s eloquent passage. Steady she moves, this thing called life, and ever so I remain to see only glimpses of myself in my reflection as I pass along avenues and cracked doorways of my past.
The rain falls wildly outside now, thunder and lightning battle for the title of brilliance while I sit within this moment of introspection, on a weathered beige sofa, in a living room that is all my own. I painted the walls a soft light green, and organized frames on them to remind me just where I have been; these memories serve me well, some beautiful, some full of the blistering reminders of what I yearn for but cannot still touch. This place in Texas has become my home, and as I ponder now, I wonder where the journey of my life will lead.
I never anticipated I would be this far from my home. Pastures lush with green grass and wet earth, mountains towering beyond sentinel evergreens, and whispering wind… All great treasures I keep safe within of the place I grew up. The place God planted me to move from infancy to awkward childhood, from the exuberant youth of adolescence to a delicious taste of love as a young adult. Washington, you taught me well, and now that I am older and perhaps a bit wiser, I miss the days of barefoot gardening and dirt-stained fingers, of warm Thanksgiving holidays with a loving mother singing Christmas songs from the fragrant kitchen. Not to miss because I long to be back there, but as a tender ode to the challenges I faced then that brought me right where I am today.
Life does not pardon the reflective heart, but instead, she charges each day with a certain intangible nostalgia that speaks a truth known too well to me – that life is but a fleeting glance, a delicate balance of happiness, tragedy, and finally, peace. I yearn for the kind of peace that forsakes nostalgia, and brings with it something unknown to a wandering soul: Presence. Finding peace in my present life has been my greatest struggle while I breathe in this world, because I have felt and lost so much good, and now as I get older, my tongue tastes what is only often bittersweet – for nothing quite has compared to my days then.
I wish only to capture pieces of myself from these gone days, and glue back together what was broken. If only to appreciate with a greater capacity what I have now, and who I have become. Something about being the kind whom always looks back does prevent me from fully enjoying the present, and I suppose that is my greatest regret in life. That I cannot seem to look up to where I am and truly thank my life for the wonderful blessings all around me. My time is spent too often chasing dreams and missing things that have been gone for years. The greatest of these a woman whom trusted completely and loved without fear. This is the piece I crave most intensely, because God knows how much it would serve me.
Life will keep moving, and so I go with the tide and rise to fall again, sure only that the moon and sun will set me back on course at the eve of another dawn.
Sweet morning, filter in through an open window and give me peace in the new days to come.
Bring with you not strife, but if I am to face struggle, supply me with patience, intuition, and wisdom not to falter as I have done so thoroughly before. Decorate my face with compassion, paint love in my heart, and grant my soul peace as yet again You know I will endure.
If anything from the days of hyacinth around the base of a black locust tree I have learned how to endure, and shall I remain breathing for another season, bless me with a mind that is more often set on the horizon of tomorrow than the shadows of my past.
Send forgiveness to those yesterdays and allow me not to crave what is no longer mine to hold; my childhood, my innocence, and love that faintly lingers – set free what burdens me now, as the wild wind blows and water falls from the angry sky outside – set it free, my heart, as I lay my head down tonight…
Not to think of what I lost, but to dream of what I will gain, because of my strength, and my endurance.
May I forever see glimpses of that girl on a porch wrapped in the arms of purity and peace, but may they become sweeter to me than lilacs next to a house I once called home, as I venture into accepting and loving the place I dwell in now.
Should I ever meet myself, me of then, and say to a longing heart all the words that never came from parted lips and a broken soul, may we embrace each other, that girl and me, and set each other free. Forgive me, sweet serendipity, for forsaking you too easily, and lest you find fault in favoring an old friend, allow me the courage to become better than I was then.
Fortune smiles at the whims of the artist, and most surely God knows this is the call of my restless spirit, and it lingers in the warm echoes of forgotten yesterdays cherished only under the veil of a spring storm. Here indwelled in spirit and in form, I close my eyes to dream…
To love better than broken, to forgive wholly, and to dance again unscathed by the scars across my flesh. I loved once, so purely, and then I lost that part of myself to a plane ticket and a wordless goodbye. Nevermore to love the same, not me or the fortunate ones whom encountered me waiting along the way as our paths intersected; but hope, oh darling hope, alas we meet again.
Dirt of the earth and water of the strongest rivers, bathe me in purpose beyond something I once knew, and then wash me clean, as the rain falls from the sky, to bare a woman more beautiful than the sunrise on a cloudless morning.
I long to be there, more than anything, in that place where yet again I meet my destiny. Alas, but instead, I will sit here and listen to now softly falling rain as it trickles on the eaves of my warm, welcome home. Never lost on me, yesterday, but at last, with the warmest regards, I let you be.