The sun is warm, as I predicted Summer makes its final stand towards the end of October and then, finally, like a breathe of dry air, Autumn officially arrives. In the way I’ve learned the pattern of this new land, so too respect witnessing in awareness the end of another season – how it feels in Texas, and in the deeper sense, it is one more part of history added to this chapter; do I have more summers behind me now than ahead? The marvelous mystery is one we cannot know – I stop, savor it, and reflect. Life moves swift and with each ending we should take pause and have gratitude.
My feet are bare, as is often how you’ll find me. There is a humming to my left, the AC still kicked low to an internal 73 degrees all day – I guess I do not mind it really. Birds are chirping in the trees in the greenbelt beyond our red fence, I’ve always adored their songs since I was a little girl. Inside, the baby sleeps, meanwhile daddy took the girls to the archery range for lessons and practice; he is very excited to go get an Elk next year with my brother, using his compound bow. He is very good at it and I love to see him enjoy something just for himself.
Do you ever close your eyes and take a deep breathe through your nose and the air paints a memory clear as day, or is that just me? Lake Tahoe, I was maybe 8… We stayed at my Uncle’s A-Frame cabin and oh my goodness that water is clear. The pine trees and dry loose dirt under the sun – that is this smell. I just closed my eyes and breathed again; I can almost be there oncemore – nothing does this, for our minds, like smell can; I’ve always appreciated this as a precious gift, that merely the scent on a breeze can shoot me back to a beautiful childhood memory. The smell of my High School cafeteria. My mother’s perfume on a stranger’s wrist – her perfume gave me the worst headache my entire life but now I smell it and on a good day the fragrance muse brings her back to me. A gift, this nose, indeed.
Goodness, Summer is ending. We plead for it here in Texas, at least those of us who come from a land of four seasons… And now she says goodbye. It goes so quickly. This life.
This year has been one of tremendous transformation, but with that work comes many other challenges; change can be a messy process, full of failure and adaptation, anger and fear, days when you wake up and say “fuck yeah, let’s do this”, and then days when you just want to sleep. I have personally felt rage at times; not a flattering truth especially because I am a woman and rage tends to be a more masculine symptom, if that makes sense. I have had days of intentional connectedness, to myself, to my loved ones; we worked together well, no bickering children and frustrated parents, and at the end of those days I am so encouraged that our family will be all right. Then days would come where from the moment my children awaken there’s just a tension and it seems to set the energy for that day unless I put in all my effort to working it to a better place (my two oldest daughters also share home with their dad – it poses its challenges as to how they get along; we will never stop trying to make this as painless for them as possible but sometimes it just makes it suck).
My point in showing both sides is, that is the inherent truth about transformation: There will be good days, and there will be shitty days. But. The thing that matters most. The. Thing…
You just keep swimming.
Damn it, Dory…
I fail and what use is it to wallow in that? I give myself time to feel it but then start again. I ask for forgiveness easily and humble myself when I use my words for inflicting pain. I put my phone down and get on the floor with my children and smile to myself while nobody else is watching because Bear just took 7 steps and Delaney kissed me on the cheek for no reason. I look up and stare at my beautiful 8 and 10-year-old’s faces as they walk from the gate to the pickup line, every day, and see them smile just to find their mama standing there like she always does. I work to support John better and learn what he needs to be fulfilled, and I try to answer those needs with love.
Life is going to move so quick.
Something about this year, I was propelled forward into another place than anywhere I’ve known. A journey meant to challenge me to see my own bullshit and finally declare that I am “done” with this version of myself. The present darkness that stays with me, the self-doubt and longing for something I cannot have – the quickness to anger and vulgar tongue (I will probably still always cuss, but maybe just a bit less!) How I close myself off from the world to lick my wounds when I am hurt though I could be taking steps to improve myself in spite of my pain. I’ve accepted where I am at, this year, and who I am, right now. I see so clearly where I lack, and I want to do better.
And so, the journey keeps on going. I keep walking forward, and I know something better this way comes – well, truly, we will meet in the middle.
Summer is ending oncemore, the end of a season. Time to reflect, and be grateful.
Time to change into something new.
Not really sure what else to write for now, but Pressfield was right – I have to just… Do the work, even if that means I am writing random thoughts, insights, with no real theme…
I hope to have much more coherent bits to write soon. The Muse is shouting lately – yet one more gift of transformation; creativity comes to life. For me comes so many beautiful words… Soon enough.