In the silence I feel a pull recently to converse with the creator of time, pleading to alter course for the fate of my children’s future lies in tenuous balance now. Currently, things are just – bizarre.  

Some of us, perhaps more than “they” speculate, wait here in this holding pattern, breathes held, tongues swollen in desperation to cry out, “what has happened here?” but nobody can see your mouth behind that mask; nobody listens unless you speak the words they agree with entirely, anyway, so most people stay silenced, shrugged shoulders, in surrendered compliance in spite of knowing this isn’t feeling right. What so many are sensing now is this a spiritual battle, and by that I mean is that I believe these various conflicts/current events of 2020, speaks to the light or the darkness in each of us (I am not equating either attribute to a particular side, though, one might guess… ) This division has infected everything to where I hardly recognize my city when I venture outside. It is empty, quiet, and where there are gatherings I avoid them as those are not “peaceful”. Even in our grocery stores now we are walking echo chambers, eyes darting this way and that, afraid to accept the spontaneous gaze of a stranger because they might sniff out your politics and who knows what would happen if they knew what you believed. I used to be afraid but now I see the dire need in me not being silent… this all began with a virus okay great, we all listened. But, eventually, I took the mask off – I am free to make my own choice, but wait, suddenly if I wear the wrong shirt, this should be cause enough for a stranger to attack me? When did everything shift from we are all in this together and instead now I am being made to feel afraid for expressing my point of view? What the actual flying fuck happened? I’ll tell you what happened – it is all designed to be based around fear. If I stay afraid, to speak/express/feel/think, then I’ve already lost my autonomy and they’ve succeeded in stealing my sovereignty at the cost of my compliance. That does not feel good to me. I am rambling and I don’t even care..

I’ve asked myself, quite often actually, why I would ever be afraid to voice what I believe in. It used to be a rather simple problem, though in the old days it was simply caring what someone thought about you on social media, now days, in this new world, it feels very much like my beliefs would make me vulnerable to violence, worst case, but even just slightly less annoying, shouted out of a Target by a virtuous minimum-wage employee for my lack of compliance. It used to be I was quiet because I was afraid of what my sister would say, to use one example, but now I know that even though she loves me, and knows who I am at my core – she might still turn her back on me completely. That seemed to heavy a burden to bear, because I love her and I value that relationship more than my politics. Sad to even consider she might not feel the same. It used to be personal, like that, so I stayed quiet. But, now, well. My children deserve to grow up free and I cannot sit back and shut up just because it is uncomfortable to face potential backlash from people whom have already decided they hate me. Worse, what if their hatred deepens, widens, and threatens our safety, what then? Should I just sit back and be a nice mother and wife and wait for the so-called truth to knock on my door with their demands and violence?

There are predictions, right and left, that things moving closer to election day will increasingly strain our social fabric, and there are notions – I use that word lightly – that this unrest is the product of a much grander design, and given what has happened since 2016, and of course even just in 2020 and the various “organizations” which seem to be spearheading social unrest, nothing seems impossible now. So, considering the very legitimacy of a free and fair election might be in jeopardy, and given that we are seeing police defunded, riots, violence increasing dramatically seemingly everywhere, and social norms that used to keep society civil deteriorating by the day (for instance, the old days when you used to be able to dine at a restaurant and not have to worry about an angry, intense mob forcing you to do what they say) I really think we are seeing our country fall, and it pains me to know at least half of the people whom have enjoyed American life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness in the most free Nation in the history of the World today are now calling to burn it all to the ground. It pains me, deeply, to know people I love dearly are not only calling for this “revolution”, but would go so far as to want to silence, condemn, and outright destroy anyone in opposition to such a “noble” cause as the radical transformation of America. Some of these same voices, oddly enough, have benefited most from Capitalism and “privilege”, two things seemingly cancerous to our society in the leftist’s view, yet were the very foundations upon which her ivory tower was built. Irony is funny that way I guess; this must be why all the parents to kids in the 60’s spoke of the angst of raising children who would grow up to hate their own parents for the good lives they were given because it still wasn’t perfect. Oh, the injustice!  

I am frustrated. I am exhausted. I am determined, to get through each day as it comes, to find something positive in the midst of all this chaos – but it is hard.  
I am more easily agitated for sure, I am not sleeping the greatest, and tend to wake up already feeling not really anxious but rather just… on alert, I guess. Like, what shit is going to come flying at me today? Short of an entire box of honey nut cheerios emptied on the carpet by a toddler, will this be the day so-and-so calls me, screaming, because she finds out I am voting for the big bad orange man? Hmm. 2020 can kiss my ass.

I realize I just rambled. No cohesive point except I guess to say that I am sick of all of this. I just want to go watch a minor league baseball game, eat cheap hotdogs and drink cold cheap beer, and watch my children ride their bikes while they laugh, and secure for them a nice, safe, free future where they are able to speak their minds, say what they think, and pursue the best lives they can of their own free will.

I said, tongue in cheek, earlier today, “I never signed up for an Apocalypse!” And though that was just kind of trying to make light of all of this, sometimes I do kind of wonder. Especially cause I’ve been talking a lot with the Big Guy. One silver lining is, for sure He is listening cause today I got four uninterrupted alone time – He is still answering prayers after all, so, we just have to keep at it. If he isn’t going to stop time for me like I keep asking, maybe he will at least get America to hold off on civil war until my kids grow up. Not too much to ask, I reckon.

3 thoughts on “Twenty Twenty

      1. Christina!! Thank you. I’ve thought about you a lot. I think I know why you stopped writing and it is absolutely understandable and okay, it was heavy emailing! Life is not great Christina but I keep going that’s what I say.. How is life for you? Great to speak to you again. Amber.


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