In front of me a Bear plays with fallen leaves and branches, and the sun is bright nearly overhead now; having dilated my eyes this morning, I’ll surely have to go inside once the shadow I’m sitting under fades with midday sun. For now, the cub likes too much to be outside, and I blame him not one bit. The sun is warm today, a strong hint at what’s to come; alas I brace for another Texas Summer! We call this warmth Spring and find ourselves outside as much as possible. Soon, it’ll just be too damn hot, but right now it is perfect.
I find myself presently in a phase of tremendous growth, mimicking perhaps the rhythm of the Earth; out with the old, in with the new – but in this case, the work is painful. More so than I’ve been for a while I find myself introspective about my place in all of “this” (materially and spiritually speaking) and thus have taken a dive headfirst into asking questions of myself, and finding means to hold myself accountable to the growth and potential I’m aiming for, even knowing it means I change. It is not an easy task, to be honest about the things we’d rather not face, and facing it inquisitively to examine whether it bears good fruit – what do you do if you uncover it doesn’t? Uncomfortable, and painful pruning. I choose to consider that I might be wrong, weak, or selfish – the list could extend far past this, but the point is I’m making myself painfully aware of where it is I might need work. And, damn it, I’m doing the work. At least, I am making an earnest effort and I suppose that’s the best I’ve got.
The air smells of fresh-cut grass now, I can hear the mower far off in the distance. It makes me smile, that smell – thank God I don’t have allergies.
It’s a strange thing, you know, to be an Us. A human being, where you’re a being playing a human. We each carry a story; we each perceive the world as if it revolves around the narratives we ourselves create. Then, we take that narrow view and apply it inward – “I am…” (selfish, lazy, beautiful, wounded, disabled, weak, strong, ugly… Etc Etc take your pick) and then the stories weave with the internal narrative and the world gets even smaller. How do you even begin to unravel this, especially now that the world feels so damn complex?
It settled in recently that I have got to begin here, with the shit I already have inside that holds me back from my best experience, and more importantly, my effectiveness as a compassionate, loving person to those who need me. . . Overwhelmed no longer a concept I honor but instead push through it, speaking of facing my own emotions I mean, and I’ve been able to process through and work out a lot of heavy pain recently, having made the choice to fully feel it. Each time I embrace the wave, I emerge more resilient for the next sure to come, and now it is kind of like a challenge for me – to handle them better, no matter the intensity. A great asset to embracing my own healing so openly is I am beginning to model for my children, in a very real and honest way, what it looks like and why it is important, to honor your emotions BUT not let them store up, define you, and create the narrative (because this often just leads to suffering at least if they shall be anything like their mother!)
I imagine there is great fluidity and freedom in coming to a place where I can feel and honor my emotions yet not let them define my experience entirely; if my children can learn this before I did at nearly 37 years old, I’ll consider all the pain I felt up until now worth that wisdom on their behalf. They see me working through things and it spurs them to ask questions, and ensues dialogue and honesty – it is a beautiful thing, and I am grateful I choose to be vulnerable so they can learn from me.
… The sun too much to bear, and my Bear needs a nap. What is wonderful about that is I’ve already cleaned so naptime is bitchen’ (to quote my dad) today.
Words, Check! Clean [enough] house, Check! Whatever will I do with all that free time? Dance. Definitely dancing.