I feel alive in my body. I haven’t had this feeling since, well probably the last time I felt this embodied was giving birth to my last daughter on my bed in my house. That feeling of being so sure of every living cell, that it has a purpose and each part works symbiotically and in good health, doing its part to keep this machine running well.

My mind feels clear, which I cannot even explain adequately how wonderful that is.

My emotions seems stable, calm, more at rest and harmony.

This season I could not have imagined I’d step into such wellness. Because the last few years have been riddled with so many obstacles, so much heartache, so much loss and uncertainty, I could only look forward and see that continuing. But things are rising into place for my life, my path, and my journey – because for the first time in years, I can visualize something different. Something better.

A transformation this profound can only be described as beautiful. I learned, however, dabbling in psychedelics and doing plant medicine ceremonies, that it isn’t something that persists if you do not nurture, and intentionally process what comes up. It’s a practice, not a one-and-done remedy, and so with that in mind I believe the next steps for me going forward are to continue this newfound passion for breathwork.

It was not an accident, the first time I used MDMA as a tool, as medicine, and during those three sessions, the healing and insights I learned were phenomenal. But the serotonin dump was real afterwards, and I’d be in a fog for days. Mental clarity would lapse, and I’d feel depressed, which was counter to the goal of releasing the trauma and pain I’d carried for most of my life.

The same with Ayahuasca, though with that, there was a lingering sense of freedom, because the work was so challenging and literally brought me right on the edge of losing myself completely. It also taught me though, where my edges are, and just how much I can endure. Those ceremonies did stay with me for quite a long time, however, again as with the MDMA, I still wasn’t quite able to take what I was shown during them and integrate that into my life to produce real, lasting change and healing.

I don’t regret either modality. Both showed me where my trauma was, in very different but very good and necessary ways, and I was able to let go of pain especially around my mother, Tim, my family of origin, and many CPTSD triggers.

This practice, here’s where it is different, and why I do not believe, for a single second, it was any kind of accident that I stepped into that space willingly.

Because this is a tool I can use, daily. All it takes is breathe.

There are no Shamans, no ingestion of a substance that will, and can, and does take you to alternate places of consciousness whether you want to go there or not. There is no need for anxiety that I’ll be taken on a “trip” and just have to hold on and accept the ride, whether it’s the most terrifying hell or the most amazing bliss – once you begin the journey, you cannot get off.

With breathwork, you are in complete control, in every way, and it can be done anywhere, in minutes.

Last night, I faced some heavy realizations, everything from abuse when I was very young, to my Mother, to my husband. The details of each are for my journal and God. But with each scenario the release was profound, and real.

I could feel the energy traveling all throughout my entire being. First my hands, then through every cell. I was floating up as if I could step outside myself and observe the body as a whole living vessel, apart from my soul, as I watched each scene unfold.

I held my little Chrissy hand at about four years old, and saw her (me) look up at me and smile, the sweetest little smile. I saw myself throughout my life, in scenes of pain and heartache, frustration, and loneliness, and at one point put my 17yo self’s face against my present grown woman’s chest, and just held her as she cried. I was there, with me… integrating these rejected parts, these hurt parts, these lonely parts, these abandoned parts, these scared parts, and held her so close until she sank into me.

I am coming to wholeness, within myself. That is such a profoundly, intensely beautiful gift for someone like me, whose carried so much shame for my brokenness, believing I am unlovable, rejected, abandoned – because she (me) has felt that way, so many times in this life, wounds from those closest to me whom should have kept me safe, held, loved unconditionally.

I finally gave that, to me.

I forgave my mother as we danced together, my head resting on her shoulder. She was beautiful and kind, and gave me insights into how to love myself best. I forgave the hurt, and had so much adoration for her. I hadn’t felt that in years, if maybe at all since before she died.

I forgave myself, and had so much compassion for my mistakes, and failures, and let go of my self-condemnation, laughing so hysterically while also trying to breathe, at the absurdity that I’d treat myself so badly just because I am an imperfect human.

I held each of my babies, as newborns, against my chest and told them how much I love them, and that Mama is going to be amazing for herself, and for them.

And with John… I explored his continued rejection of me, the words, “you’re worthy of love, but just not from me” came up a lot. I explored the truth – this a frequent theme throughout the entire experience – “you didn’t deserve this, and you don’t deserve this”, in regards to his treatment of me, and the wounds he inflicted purposefully, maliciously, and I screamed at the top of my lungs (this is encouraged – more on that in a second) “why did you hurt me so much, and then leave?” And it was … such an intense release. So absolutely important, pivotal. And then, I let him go.

I let him go.
Released my attachment, my control, my anger, my unforgiveness.

It peeled out of me, layer by deep layer.

As the session goes, it’s very rhythmic. You’ll do very intense 15 to 20 minutes of shallow, deep breathes in and out – I mean, as much air as you can possible take in through pursed lips (like you’re blowing out a candle 10 feet away) but the breathes are very rapid. Then he will guide you to short intervals of slow deep breathes, then you move right back into the intense ones.

He talks and uses key words to guide the energy as it moves. Words like shame, rejection, love, trauma, pain. So as you’re breathing it sort of sends you to those places of repression, of denial, exactly where you don’t want to look, as you’re breathing.

So people cry, hysterically. They laugh. They scream. At one time during one of the highest peak of intensity he encouraged everyone to scream as loud as they possibly can. It was as if thunder came into the room. During all of this you’re blindfolded, btw, so you can’t see anyone or anything the entire duration. But screaming is allowed any time you feel you need to. So randomly even at the slower paces people would release loud shouts into the air. I’m pretty sure one guy puked and I’m entirely sure a woman had an orgasm behind me (I’ll have what she’s having!)

… I know now I was led to this practitioner specifically. I was led to this particular technique, the exact way he does it, purposefully. And at the exact right time.

Because I needed to let go. Completely. I needed to feel, and then release, with no shame, no fear, no worry what anyone might think if they saw me completely lose my shit.

And I needed to know – and believe – there is something out there, a means, a way, to release the stored energy, the pain, the hurt, the anger, the sadness, all of it – any dang time I want or it arises.

So, I am officially obsessed.
I would literally travel all around the country just to follow his tour to do this again. I wish I could.

For now, I’m learning all I can. And I’m going to become a master of this vessel, just by breathing.

Who knew you don’t need to travel to the jungle to get true, deep, soul healing. You can do it in your living room.

That’ll be me now. This is now part of who I am. Not in like a, “I’m better than anyone way”, but I’m better today than I was yesterday, and man, God, I really needed to believe that was possible.

I learn when I go through intense things, that’s why I seek them out.
Its kind of funny, too, with my husband, going through what we have, it’s the same. I needed to lose him to find out how strong I am, what I can handle, how much I can take, and just how far I’d go to arrive at me again.

Someday I hope it brings me on a path that matches his, but right now, I’m content with stepping into my power, and coming back to wholeness within. One beautiful breathe at a time.

I wish I could share this with the world.
We don’t have to be bound by our pain, lovely. Take it from someone whose made an identity around that, trust me, I know how hard it is… but there are ways to move through it, and to incorporate the pain into yourself, and love yourself even while you’re growing. Someday, maybe I’ll teach this, too. I know, right now, it’s teaching me. Thank God for that.