When I look at your life until now, I see so much strength. I know the deep pain you felt, some that came to you very early in your life – I know the nights you cried yourself to sleep, just wondering how you’ll get up tomorrow and do it all again. I know the hopelessness you felt, the exhaustion, the sheer grit that pulled you through it sometimes.
I know the nights that you spent isolated from the world, lonely, bearing the heavy weight of having nobody to turn to when what you needed most was simply to feel loved. I know the tears of sadness at the loss of relationship, the fear of starting over – once – twice – three times… I know the bills that couldn’t be paid, I know the way it felt for you to wonder how you’d pay the rent next month, I know the way it hurt to want so much more than to struggle, and how you felt responsible that you couldn’t rise above it. I know you feel you aren’t worthy of love sometimes, and you have looked for ways to affirm that, even the times it made you miss good, loving relationships because you chose unstable, unhealthy ones instead. It probably made you think even deeper, this is what you deserve, yet I know the times you understood, no, actually, that’s not true – I AM loving, I AM worthy of love – you got there, sometimes, but were always so hard on yourself whenever that feeling of assurance faded to shame. I get it, we all lack confidence sometimes, but you really can be so hard on yourself, and I am proud of you for getting help for that, and working so hard to overcome it, to really trust the beautiful person that you are, and have always been.
I know that you feel responsible for the way life is going right now, you feel scared, you feel uncertain sometimes whether you can trust, really trust, this will be transformed for God’s glory. Don’t lose that hope, the way you didn’t lose it before. Remember now more than ever, all the things you’ve overcome. Remember all the times God walked for you, held you, when you couldn’t even fathom a way, when your faith was a mustard seed, sometimes a grain of sand. Remember the joy that came to you, when pain resulted in a blessing, in the end. Like birthing your children, you know sometimes you have to endure some pretty heavy pain to get to the goal, and right now, you can look at this the same way.
Isn’t that better than focusing on the negative? You’re working to birth a new you, a restored you, a trusting you, a loving you, a kind you, a happier you – of COURSE that’s going to hurt!
I know right now you have a lot of anxiety, remember this is usually fueled by fear, resisting it or feeding it are of equal detriment; accept it fully, and trust you will be okay. It always passes, and it hasn’t killed you yet. Chances are it won’t this time, either. It’s physical sensations in your body, sit with them, you’ve managed this before, never doubt you can do it again, you’re strong enough to surrender and let go.
I know right now there’s tension in your arms, in your fingers, in your face, in your chest. Remember all the times you’ve felt this, and eventually it faded. Trusting the way things are going in your life right now means allowing; acknowledge the fear, but don’t feed it, express how it hurts, and how it feels to be in a body that tends to overwork itself and get dysregulated. Be there, with it, but don’t let it be you.
Remember that you have control over you. Nobody else but God, but in this instance, I just mean for the sake of getting you through each day.
If you feel sad, it is okay to feel sad. Write about it. Sing it out. Dance it out. Take a walk. Call someone back home. Just keep living. Even when its so heavy, even when you just want to do everything you can to change what’s happening, still, just go about your day. Do your chores, make your bed, be present with the kids. I know you’re sad, this time of separation is painful, but remember that it’s love at the center, and if God can make a way for you, you have to trust Him even when it hurts.
I look at you, and I see strength. Man, what a life you chose for yourself, huh? But, because you’ve been so faithful all the way, you’ve seen miracles come to light. You’ve seen healing happen. You’ve gotten up, each day, and tried your best, even against some pretty heavy odds, and bearing some pretty heavy losses.
God gave you a special heart. You were born with a hole in a place where there should’ve been a barrier, and I think that’s a good description for your life story. You were never going to do things the way others did them, you were never going to think how they think, or feel this world how they feel it. This is not a flaw, this is a gift. Feeling deeply and seeing this world through your eyes is not a weakness, and if anyone tries to make your gift a fault, just know they can’t appreciate the depth, and never let it stop you from being who you are.
Right now, you need to keep trusting. In God, for Him to make a way, for restoration, for deliverance from the things of this world that get in between two people and tear apart love. Keep believing what is truly worth fighting for, and even when it seems that hope is running out, remember all the times you felt this way. You couldn’t figure how you’d pay the rent, and money would unexpectedly show up. You never thought you’d get over your first love, and though it took a very long time, you finally let him go and allowed new love to move forward – you once thought that was impossible, but God made a way.
In this moment, right now, just take a deep breathe, and remember who God says you are. Remember how strong your heart is. Remember how much He’s gotten you through, and trust He WILL come through again. If you need Him to carry you, that’s okay. Do not give up, the way Christ loved you, the way He suffered and made a way for us to come back to divine Love with the Father, so too can you, not give up, even when it hurts, and fight for love, fight for the gift we are all given – for there is no greater joy than to give and receive love, so hold tight to that.
I’m learning to see the joy in your spirit, when I look at you, and that feels wonderful. You have such a great laugh, and you can be so fun and pleasant to spend time with, remember that woman, nurture her, let her come through. It’s okay to be happy, it’s okay to want that, and to allow it.
For now, that’s all I have to say.
You are not broken, Christina, at least not in any way you can’t repair with God, with prayer, with working hard – with trusting, there’s an outcome, a goal, out there – keep moving towards it.
The goal, for you, is God-centered, deep love. To deeply share your precious soul with your partner, your family, even the world through your writing. The goal was always to trust and believe in love, that brought you to where you are today, realizing it is, indeed, the most important thing we can do, be, experience. You’re here, now, so allow yourself to learn from and be humbled by that, but also see your worth, and your strength, because both matters, that you trust you are worthy of love and a great, happy life.
I love you, Christina. You have so much goodness in you, and it was locked deep inside for so long. Let yourself be happy, now, let yourself trust, now. You can’t change who or what you did yesterday, but you are learning, and I am so proud of you, for not giving up.
Great things are in store, just keep going.