“Hope, when you look at the psychology of it is two parts: There’s the vision of what the future could be, and the path to follow to get there”, Kimberly Holmes.
I’ve been devouring podcasts with intense focus recently, dealing primarily with personal growth and healing and the psychology of relationships.
One thing I’ve heard with great frequency recently, within myself as I’m taking in all this information, is that I have to set down everything I’ve known and write a different story. Create a different life, going forward.
This isn’t a revelation in that I’ve always shamed myself for not letting go of the past; I know it is unhealthy, I know it only prolongs the season of suffering. I don’t grow when I’m holding on to things that aren’t holding onto me. I’ve done it far too long, I am comfortable in sadness, I can move in this space well. But I just don’t want to anymore.
This time has broken me. And that is not a bad thing. I needed it, as painful as its been.
I understand now what it means to push on, wanting to be different somehow, wanting something more. I know that it is scary, isolating, and uncertain, I know that, to radically change. But how did it feel yesterday, to be sad all day, ruminating on things you cannot control?
Which feels worse, the uncertain but opportunistic future, or the miserable predictable past?
It is going to be hard. But I pray for grace, absolutely aware that I’ve gone through shit before and it didn’t crush me, and if I did it once, I will be able to do it again. I developed some pretty difficult behaviors to disentangle myself from and release, for good, and this nonlinear path won’t always be easy to navigate. But growth is supposed to be painful, so it feels like childbirth in that way, and I rocked that mountain – I can do this.
The bottom line is, I don’t want to hurt anymore, though I can come up with many justifications for it, ultimately I realize it is up to me. Do I want to live as I’ve been living, shackled to the hurts of yesterday? Or do I want to find a hammer and beat the chains to pieces, stand up, and run in the other direction?
I have a story to tell, and it’s a beautiful journey of how this life has been. Not just my own, but my mother’s life, and hers before, my siblings, my precious amazing children’s futures, contained within pages so honest I guarantee you will cry. And laugh. And learn. I’ll take what I’ve stuffed into my brain and give you resources, tools, ideas, and a personal story woven through of how I one day said to hell with this and changed a family line, forever.
Sometimes you recognize moments, when you’re in them. For me, it’s been a season – the past almost 8 months has been some of the hardest of my life. I could stay here – here. In doubt and sadness, in sorrow and shame, in a stance that doesn’t budge, certain I deserve a moment to feel bad that everything has changed.
I could do that. And so could you. We do it all the time. But what kind of life does that provide you? You have to be uncomfortable enough with mediocrity to finally push yourself forward. Or, if you’re like me, so tired of the pain you simply have to change or it’ll eat you alive.
It isn’t about that, though – this history so much, and I think that is the gift of knowledge. I learned in all my studies that the path forward is – forward. There, not here. So I had to get honest with myself and address what it really looks like to let go and become better than that.
The history becomes just the backstory and not the focus and for me that is a revelation. It’ll take up many pages, yes, but the goodness comes in the ending. Really, just the start.
You can heal through what you’re going through. There are resources, and people, and therapists, and plant medicine, and prescriptions, and organizations. There are books and podcasts and coaches.
I have tried them all, and I want to bring what I’ve learned out of me and write it down, as I’m learning it in real time. I want to grow with the writing, and whatever comes of that will be a real journey, with all its missteps and failures and challenges, triumphs and revelation and victories, along the way.
The past has burdened me for too long, but I allowed it. I think we all can grow forward, while still appreciating what got us to today. Integrating it, sure, but mostly – learn to take charge of your present moment. Do not stay stuck in the past, you don’t live there anymore.
I cannot wait to share this.